Fighting Selfishness in our kids

How to Fight Selfishness in our Children - when we live in a Self-Centered Culture. Why do our kids fight? What is the heart issue behind it? |the House of HendrixAs I watched my children fight over who got the biggest piece of brownie, I wondered what I had done wrong. You see, my children are innately selfish which is compounded by the fact that we live in a culture focused on immediate gratification. Does it ever feel like everything in our society aims at filling our desires quickly? From fast food to Facebook, we do not need to wait or to wonder.

My children do not even know true hunger because I make sure to always have snacks readily available. We don’t want them grouchy, right? What would happen though if I taught them to wait on food, to endure hunger pains? I imagine their impulses would die down and an improved self-control develop.

I know a family that allows only one of their children at each visit to get a happy meal at McDonald’s. The other kids get just a sandwich. Sounds unfair, right? The kids don’t mind though and are excited for whoever’s turn it is. They have had practice sacrificing their desires for the sake of another and now it’s natural. They seem to have lost that sense of entitlement that is so common among today’s child.

So lately I am in pursuit of ways to teach my children the beauty in sacrifice, so that they might be able to extend generosity beyond their little worlds of self fulfillment.How to Fight Selfishness in our Children - when we live in a Self-Centered Culture. Why do our kids fight? What is the heart issue behind it?

One way we are practicing this is through a Jar of Sacrifice. We bought an oddly-shaped sea glass jar from Old Time Pottery. This is the place where not just spare change goes. It is a jar that chore money and birthday money can go. Nobody counts or pressures, it is just our own family vessel to practice giving. There’s a saying “Give until it hurts and then keep giving until it doesn’t”. When my kids do chores now, they don’t think twice about throwing in some or all of that money. They are slowly learning to loosen their grip.

How to Fight Selfishness in our Children - when we live in a Self-Centered Culture. Why do our kids fight? What is the heart issue behind it?

When the jar is filled, we will have a family gathering to discuss how we are going to bless others with its contents. They already have ideas brewing. I look forward to figuring out how to get the money out of that tiny hole, and I am certain there will be pride as we total those little sacrifices along the way.

teaching kids to give

teaching kids to give

My prayer is that their hearts will take such joy in seeing how these sacrifices have directly blessed others, that they will naturally be generous givers with all that has been entrusted to them, even if a brownie is involved.

How to Fight Selfishness in our Children - when we live in a Self-Centered Culture. Why do our kids fight? What is the heart issue behind it?

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Sunday morning Clothing Battle

Sunday morning battleWhat do make your kids where to church and why?

(Lily was 5. This means her brothers were 1 and 2.)

Church starts in twenty minutes and the mad rush begins. I have laid out a pretty smocked dress from Lily’s closet. I scramble to feed the baby, fill sippy cups for the diaper bag, and dry my hair. I sense the protest from the other side of the house. The stomping gets closer as I hear the words I knew were coming,

“I am not wearing this dress!”
“Yes sweetheart, you are.”
Why?” she says with pleading.
“Because church is the house of God, and when we go there, we honor Him with our hearts and bodies. Our clothes are a representation of that. Your dress is beautiful and appropriate.” She pauses for a moment and then uttered the words which would change our Sunday mornings forever.
“That’s not why you want me to wear this dress. You want me to look pretty for the other moms! You don’t know what God thinks is beautiful on me!”

Bam! There it is. The truth I did not see. My conviction was instant. I had an image of how I wanted her to look on Sunday morning…in a cute dress with a big bow… for the other moms. I cringe writing that, embarrassed to admit it. She’s 5! Could I really be teaching her that her appearance, however fleeting, was the act of worship, not the heart behind it? Did I think I would be perceived as a better mom if my children looked a certain way? Honestly, maybe I would be. Did I really seek that validation?

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My eyes tear up and I apologize…not just for this morning but for all the Sunday mornings that we battled because of my pride. I humbly send her back to her room to choose an outfit that SHE thought honoring and pleasing to the Lord.

That was the last Sunday I ever laid out clothes for her. It took a few weeks to overcome my desire to explain the cowboy boots and mismatched outfits, but I eventually found tremendous confidence in not explaining it….because I knew that there was a little girl who truly felt beautiful to her Maker. Over the years her fashion taste has refined and our Sunday rush more peaceful, but when she comes to me seeking affirmation about her clothing, my question remains the same, “Do you feel it honors the Lord?”

So today, when I see a little girl in an adorable dress, I smile at the sweet vision, partly wishing Lily’s dresses had gotten more wear…and when I see a little girl with cowboy boots and a tutu strutting her stuff at church, my heart melts because I know God is looking down on her with great delight…His beautiful daughter twirling like a country ballerina as her act of worship.Sunday Morning battle

It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. 4 No, your beauty should come from inside you—the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. That beauty will never disappear. It is worth very much to God. 1 Peter 3:3-4

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Do I look pretty, God?

the Darker Side of Mother’s Day

The dark side of Mothers Day

photo by askinyourface.com

I was halfway through venting to a girlfriend today about my exhausting schedule of Mother’s Day parties for my boys, home-school testing for my daughter, coaching track, and the birth of yet another litter of pet bunnies…when I stopped dead in my tracks. I actually heard myself. My friend, who deeply desires a baby of her own, was nothing but supportive and encouraging to my rants, but I had forgotten. I had forgotten that particular Mother’s Day nine years ago when I woke up feeling hollow because…just days before there had been life in my womb. Even though I had already been blessed with a daughter, it was the loss of this unborn child which defined my holiday.

As mothers were celebrated all around the world, my heart ached in a place that was lonely…longing to hold that baby just once. Mother’s Day felt so…in-my-face. I lost two more babies before being blessed with my sons. That broken place in the depths of my soul never returned to the normalcy I had previously known. I was changed, less naive, and different. You see, there is a piece of me that is forever bruised. It is the tender place from which tears can come without notice…that place that allows me to cry with a woman I don’t know because I understand her longing for a baby of her own.

I looked back into the eyes of my friend and apologized for forgetting the blessing behind my hectic schedule. Her eyes filled with tears and then so did mine. We held each other with that understanding of loss and longing. So today my heart remembers that, although I will be uplifted in celebration on Sunday, there is a darker side to Mother’s Day, one which often gets overlooked, and behind it is a woman who needs a hug.

Allison

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